Atrophic or Catastrophic?
by lemonlimesweetness
Summary: Sirius has a problem. No not that problem! His eating problem. And Lily is determined to stop this eating problem. Only, she has to make sure the 'problem' doesn't eat her first. Oneshot of pure comedy. (Not SB/LE)


A/N: This is just something I came up with while I was supposed to be studying

**A/N: This is just something I came up with while I was supposed to be studying. Eh. Studying is for losers anyway. Totally Sirius-centric! With a little Lily and James here and there.**

_Disclaimer: J K Rowling (who by the way is my idol) came up with this story, not me, sor-reee. (Am I the only one that noticed that that rhymed?)_

**Atrophic or Catastrophic?**

"Pero me tengo que ir!"

"Por favor! No va Roselia! Para mi!

"NO!! Don't leave him Roselia!"

It was a Saturday day morning. A perfectly normal Saturday morning. Only, Sirius Black was in Lily Evan's flat…

on one of Lily's perfect velvet couches, surrounded by a mass of strawberry cheesecake, birthday cake ice cream, marshmallows, both muggle and magic candy, apple pie, chocolate chip cookies, and extra buttery, butter-lovers popcorn, and intently watching Spanish soap operas from the magical muggle box of pictures. With eyes wide open, and leaning forward, he ignored the SLAM! Of the door to Lily's room behind him and grumpy footsteps that came to a stop behind him, whilst he was munching on some yummy popcorn.

"Sirius?" asked Lily in disbelief.

Munch.

"That is you right?" She said to the back of his head.

More Munching.

"What are you doing here?"

"Watching the 'M.B.'." he said finally choosing to answer.

"You mean the T.V.?"

"What the hell is a T.V.?" he said turning around.

After a five second pause he once again turned back to the T.V.** /** M.B. and grabbed the remote / magical box controller / 'M.B.C" and increased the volume to such a place that it seemed to reverberate off the walls.

"Why are you here?" She yelled over the shouting drama of Juan and Roselia.

"Moony doesn't let me go anywhere near his flat anymore. I accidentally apparated in while he came out of the shower. I mean, it was no big deal, he at least had on a towel. A very fluffy pink towel might I add. He said 'scared him to death' or something. Told me that I wasn't allowed to take pictures either because no matter what rumors I spread around, he was definitely straight. Pity it was really fun spreading those rumors. So anyway, he put an anti-apparating charm on the entire block his flat is on. So I came here instead. I mean, bigger M.B., cleaner comfier couches, it was silly why I didn't come here in the first place. By the way, you have loads more 'real food' than Health Nut Moony."

"Are you calling me fa—Sirius!"

She finally looked down at her couches, and with one look at the messy, sticky junk food staining her perfect, pristine, and most importantly _clean_ couch, she freaked.

"SIRIUS! MY COUCH!"

Indeed they were crusted with more food than hygienic.

Sirius redirected his gaze to find it level to what Lily was looking at. The large stains to be specific. "Oops?"

Lily took a deep breath. "Sirius?" "Yes, Lily?"

"Get. Off. MY COUCH!"

More popcorn munching.

"Sirius, if you do not get off my couch within the next five seconds, I will hex you off and then floo James over and tell him you were trying to 'make a move on me'." This seemed to work.

"Ok! I'll get of the bloody couch! Just don't call Prongs!"

Everyone knew how protective James was. That wasa_ lot._

Lily smirked.

She smirked very un-Lilyishly.

Sirius snatched his cheesecake, ice cream, marshmallows, cookies, candy, pies, and extra buttery, butter-lovers popcorn off Lily's now heavily stained couches and took them over to the kitchen where he could be heard trying to find more so called 'real' food.

"Yes! Birthday cake!"

"Sirius!" Lily called from the ruined couch, "that's from the end of January!"

"So?" came the reply. "It's only June now!"

With a roll of her eyes, Lily drew out her wand and cleaned up the couch. With a simple "Tergeo" she quickly siphoned of most of the grease, butter, icing, crumbs and other such edible rubble from all the nooks and crannies of her nice blue couch. She ran her hand over the smooth texture of the couch. It was then that she saw something scarlet sticking out from under the couch. "Wingardium Leviosa," she muttered bringing out her willow wand. The couch lifted up revealing a small hump of red cloth beneath it. Holding her wand up so the couch wouldn't fall down and give her a painful concussion, she reached out to the clothy hump.

A thong.

Sirius Black put a thong under Lily's couch.

Jumping with disgust Lily threw the garment outside the open window.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

Eyes widening Lily stuck her head out of the window looking down on a point of blonde hair, a red blush of embarrassment creeping up on her pale cheeks.

"Hmm…" the blonde mused to herself below, looking up where Lily quickly hid her head, "I've been looking for this!"

Go figure.

Sirius Black was a ladies man.

Closing the window, Lily headed over to the kitchen where Sirius licked a chocolate icing covered spoon. In front of him was an empty box.

"You ate the whole cake."

"Yup! It was yum-my. You got anymore?"

"How did you eat the whole cake? I barely managed down one slice! It was as tall as a bloody skyscraper!"

"Skill, young grasshopper. Skill."

He headed over to the open fridge, searching for more food to satisfy his never-ending hunger.

"Do you have any Chocolate Frogs?"

"No ate the last batch. And you helped me remember?"

_It was really late in the night. Actually, it was about 3:00. So it wouldn't be night, then. Technically, it'd be morning. Sirius and Lily and James were walking down a dark forsaken alley. Suddenly a sweeping chill fell over all of them as the moon and stars were engulfed in a black darker than the sky. Three Dementors, evil beings which installed fear in the hearts of so many, glided over to them from one end of the valley and one swept in from the other side. "Sirius, you take the one behind us! Lily and I will take these three." James shouted, his leadership qualities acting up. Lily delved deep inside her to find a happy memory. Her birthday. Not the happiest she felt, but everything was so simple. Nothing drastic, or dramatic, just _normal_, which was something in these dark times. It burst through her and out came a shining silver mist, out of her wand. Nothing corporeal, but the dementor didn't come any closer. She looked beside her, James' pure silver lion batted the two dementors away easily. She smiled at his success, but this momentary distraction was all that was needed to break Lily's patronus. The dementor gained on her and in shock, she fell back, her wand rolling away with a loud clatter. Just as the dementor was about to draw back its hood, the lion jumped in front of her and pounced on the black robed bundle of fear. Helping Lily up by grabbing her hand, James pulled her into a brief kiss before they turned around to see how Sirius was doing. The dementor had pulled back his hood. What stood there was a big rattling hole on hideous gray and scabby skin. It was bending over, right over Sirius. "Get it!" James roared to his lion. The lion gave a giant leap and tackled the dementor. Just in time to. Sirius quickly stood as it fled. "Well that's a relief." He voiced shakily at its retreating back. "I don't work very well with dementors." James looked back at Lily. "Do you think you can apparate back to your flat yourself? Yours is the only one of ours without the anti-apparating charm. "I don't think so." "Just grab onto me." Together James and Lily apparated back to her flat followed closely by Sirius. They had apparated into the kitchen. James knowing where Lily kept her super secret stash of sugary sweets (who didn't? Even Peter did), grabbed all the chocolate frogs and dropped them on the kitchen table where Lily and Sirius were sitting. Both Lily and Sirius hastily took one, looking rather shaken. Once the wriggling frog popped into her mouth Lily felt a warmth spreading around her and felt herself going back to normal. She reached out for two more frogs, handing on of them to James. He smiled, "Let Sirius have it. You guys need them more than I do." Lily smiled, he was so sweet. "I mean, I am the toughest and best at magic!" Lily frowned._

Lily's reminiscing was interrupted by a clatter of pans in her pantry.

"No Sirius, don't go there!" she said quickly. Too late.

He swiftly snatched all the chocolate frogs. There were many.

"Aha I knew it! You've been hiding them from me!"

"So what if I have?"

"You can not hide candy from Sirius! Sirius knows all!"

_Half an hour later_

"Sirius I'm not sure you should be eating all that junk food."

"And I'm not sure you should be humping that Rhino."

"I'm not humping a Rhino."

"What do you know?"

"I'm just going to go and do something. Okay?"

"Wheva I donare" said he with his mouth full of what seemed to be potato chips.

Lily walked over to her fireplace, grabbing an ornate vase and dipping her hand down to grab a pinch of green powder. She threw it into the fireplace in front of her and stuck her head in. She was met by the familiar sensation of extreme dizziness as her head sped around and around, spinning in a wild chase with its self. Finally the spinning stopped, and blinking through the soot, she saw the _very _large family room of the Potter mansion. Thankfully both James _and _Remus sat in front of her on scarlet and gold armchairs, talking.

"James."

No Answer.

"JAMES!"

He jumped out of his chair, his glasses jerking off his face and onto the floor. "Huh?"

Grabbing his glasses, he straightened up and headed over to Lily.

"Hey Lils, what's up?" he said kneeling down in front of her head.

She looked up at him and voiced her thoughts. "Have you ever noticed that Sirius… has a … _problem_?"

He grinned at her. "Don't worry, Moony and I know he's a nymphomaniac!"

He looked back at Remus who nodded frantically.

"No! Not that. He just has an, I don't know, addiction? To junk food."

James looked at her for a few minutes before throwing his head back in a laugh.

"Come on Lils. We all know that!"

"Well, have you ever thought of doing anything about it?"

"Umm… no?" Wrong answer.

Pulling the rest of her body out of the fireplace, she felt the rest of herself tumble onto the mat as James quickly stumbled back.

"JAMES POTTER! Do you know what happens when people have too much junk food?" She yelled, "They get obese! And do you know what happens to obese people? They die an early death! _And _they get slower reflexes! What with all these deatheaters swarming the place, you would think that you would get more worried! But _No_! My _Aunt_ died from Obesity! Of course I didn't really like her, but that doesn't matter! You will scoot your arse into that fireplace and help him! Because friends help friends and Sirius just happens to be your _best _friend."

"Hey! What about me?" Remus Lupin's quiet indignation voiced itself across the room.

Lily's gaze softened as she looked across the room. "You can be _my _best friend, Remus."

He smiled.

James did not.

"Hey! She's my girlfriend!"

He found out it wasn't the smartest thing to do as Lily turned back to him with a frightening glare. "You! You are going to march over to that fireplace and to my flat and help Sirius! You can come too, Remus."

"Fine!" said James as he walked over to the fireplace.

"I SAID MARCH!"

He quickened his pace and dove headfirst into the flames. He loved his fastidious girlfriend, he really did, but _sometimes_ he wished she'd come without the temper and fierce protection for the other Marauders. Something he didn't get.

"Come on Remus! Let's go," said Lily amiably to her friend still sitting in his comfy armchair. "Ok."

Sirius had found Lily _super secret stash of sugary sweets_. It was indeed a substantial _super secret stash of sugary sweets. _All in all, Sirius was very happy. Or he was until he found his fellow Marauders Remus and James and James' girlfriend Lily march into the kitchen.

They were all looking at him rather strangely. "What?" he asked his face covered in icing.

"Sirius." Said Lily in a soothing voice, "We all know you have problem."

His eyes widened in realization. "I'm not a nymphomaniac! God, how many times do I have to tell you guys? I am _not _going back to that crazy psychiatrist!"

Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes, though her right eye did twitch.

"Wrong problem Sirius."

"Oh." He said, looking upset that he used his premade speech on a false accusation. "Then what other problem do I have besides looking devilishly handsome?"

"Your addiction to junk food."

Sirius looked at her for a few seconds, before erupting into crazy peals of laughter, as James had before him.

"That's not a problem!"

Lily looked at him disbelievingly.

"No, really! I can stop whenever I want!" but he just looked around at the disbelieving faces.

"Sirius, we're just going to have to take all your junk food."

This is what seemed to have hit home in Sirius' brain. Eyes widening, he let out a shout of, "Never!", and ran off to Lily's room, but not before he took all the junk food before him. Lily looked around at the remaining Marauders. "This is going to be harder than I thought."

"Remus, you go first!" Whispered Lily as the three of them stood behind Lily's bedroom door.

"What! Why me?"

"Because I said so!" she whispered fiercely before opening the door and pushing Remus inside.

The Room was dark, for the small desk lamp that flickered dimly at the end of the room. And sitting on the bed, surrounded by candy, and with one of Lily's pink bras over his eyes (a hole punctured in each for him to see) sat Sirius with a maniacal glint in his bra-ed eyes. "Sirius, please, we're just trying to help. No more junk food." "How long is it since you've had candy Moony?"

"What do you think is going on?"

"Idunno. Anything. You can never be too sure with Sirius."

"Go and check!"

"What! Me?"

"Yes, you James. Who else?"

"But I'm not too sure...aaah!"

James stumbled into the room. There was no light. He couldn't see anything.

"Sirius, Remus? Look mates, I know you're in here. Please just come out. Lily's out there ready to kick my arse. We'll all get together another time and have some junk food then. Ok? Hello?"

Suddenly the desk lamp turned on its light once again. At the edge of the bed, with his junk food behind him Sirius sat with his Bra Goggles. But James didn't even notice the under garment of his girlfriend handled by Sirius, for he was too shocked at what he saw behind him.

Remus Lupin never pigs out. Never does he eat unhealthy food. No. He is the epitome of healthiness. Broccoli is his best friend and spinach might as well be his spouse. But never, in the history of ever, had Remus Lupin pigged out. Until now. Sitting behind Sirius, surrounded by his own mountain of junk food, was Remus Lupin, pigging out on marshmallows.

"Remus? What has he done to you!"

"James," Sirius called out. "Come on. Join the _light _side. Don't go back to _her._"

"But she's my _girlfriend"_ he said defending Lily even though it was her that got him into this mess.

"Does your girlfriend have _Chocolate Cauldrons?" _he replied holding up a pair.

James eyes went into a dreamy expression. He _did_ love chocolate cauldrons. Suddenly a picture of a red haired green eyed witch came floating across his vision. He snapped out of his trance.

"No! I am always on Lily's side!"

"Fine." Said Sirius. "If you won't do it for Chocolate Cauldrons, would you do it for…_Fizzing Whizbees?" _

_Fizzing Whizbees. __**No Lily!**__ But I do adore Fizzing Whizbees. __**What about Lily?**__ I'll give her one too! __**Okay!**_

Running over to the bed, James grabbed a packet of Fizzing Whizbees and stuck it in his mouth, loving the tingling sensation it gave on his tongue. Mmmm, Fizzing Whizbees were a miracle. Suddenly he felt himself lift off the bed. One of his favorite feelings with these yummy sherbet balls.

Lily was scared.

She was really scared.

She was so scared she was trembling.

She had already lost two of her men to the other side. Now she was the only one left to fight the evil of carbs and calories.

Hand shaking terribly, she held out her hand to the doorknob. Taking a firm grasp, she slowly tuned it and opened the door which obliged with a loud _squeeaak. _

She looked at James with rage sucking on Fizzing Whizbee. Yes, she expected it but she was still angry. But she was met with real surprise when her incredulous gaze met Remus in his marshmallow glory.

"Remus?"

He looked up at her bashfully.

"I'm sorry Lily, but it's so delectable. So soft and so sweet."

"James! I am going to _kill_ you."

"Bu—but…Fizzing Whizbees…" he held out one as a token of apology. Lily just glared at him.

"I have James and Remus. It's your turn next Lily," said Sirius at the head of the bed.

Lily just finally noticed him. Not good.

"SIRIUS IS THAT MY BRA!?"

Sirius just ignored her. "Come on Lily; come over from the dark side."

"That's it Sirius. That is it! No more candy."

She headed over to her bead and gathered up all the candy around Sirius, but first she grabbed her bra off of Sirius' head.

"Wherever you put it, Lily, I'm gonna find it!" he shouted

It was then that Lily realized she had to take drastic action.

"No! Lily, don't!" Too late.

Lily took all the junk food and hastily stuffed it into her mouth. Ten seconds later all of it was gone. And Lily, Lily was having a sugar rush.

"MoremoreIwantmorewhere'stherestofthecandymore!" She said whilst jumping on her bed. She turned her head to Remus who was eating his soft marshmallows and her eyes widened. She lunged on top of him grabbing at the marshmallows. But Remus was very good at protecting things important to him. It was his inner wolf. And marshmallows were very important to him. When she realized trying for Remus' was futile, she turned instead to James. "WhizzingFizbeemewantwhere!" He had finished all the Whizbees. He also had a big bruise on his forehead courtesy of Lily.

"Li-i-ily, do you want _this_," Sirius hollered in a sing-song voice from the door. In his hand was a very large slab of Honeyduke's chocolate. How he got it when Honeydukes was in Hogmeade she didn't know, and she didn't care. She lunged from the bed and grabbed the chocolate out of Sirius' hands. She shoved the chocolate whole into her mouth.

Sirius smirked and jumped on the bed. "Mwuhahahahahaha! The Dark Side of crazy health eaters is no more! Oooooooh Candy!"

It was a Saturday morning. A perfectly normal Saturday morning. Only, Sirius Black was in Lily Evan's flat. He heard a door slam behind him and footsteps reach the couch on which he sat. "So…you speak Spanish?

"I infer."

Instead of complaining of the fascicle of junk food which surrounded him, she joined him on the couch, digging in to the extra buttery butter lover's popcorn. "So, what's going on?"

"Juan and Roselia are at _el_ _airport_." He increased the volume with the M.B.C.

"You mean _la aeropuerta_?"

"Shush woman, I'm watching the muggle box."

Every Saturday, Sirius and Lily got together to watch muggle soap operas and pig out, but Sirius always made sure Lily didn't have _too _much.


End file.
